Lung Cancer Sucks

So, I had mentioned awhile ago that my crazy life has had a few more bumps than usually lately. Danial was by far a blow to my family and myself; and you would think that his passing would be enough for us to handle in awhile. But life had other plans. You know that saying? When it rains it pours? Yea. That about covers it.

On September 13 Danial was killed in Afghanistan. A week later we got the news that we were dreading. The worst case scenario that you would NEVER believe possible. My mom has cancer. Just just cancer. Adenocarcinoma. Lung Cancer. Hard to detect until it is too late. Deadly.

The weekend that we found out about Danny I went home (2 hours away) to spend time with family. My mom hadn't been feeling good for awhile. Like a sore throat and cough she couldn't shake. She had gone to the Dr. and they sent her home with some cough syrup. Two months later it was still there. One day while we were talking she started coughing and called me over. Blood. She was coughing up blood.

I freaked and made her promise that after Danial's memorial which was planned for that weekend she would go to the Dr. From there it was tests and the suspicion that something wasn't right. Still at this point I couldn't allow myself to even suspect that something "serious" was wrong. She is my mom. My superhero. My best friend. My secret keeper.

Then they started listing off MRI's and CAT scans and other scary tests. Mom had pain in her right side. Long story short. She has a partially collapsed lung that is being caused by a cancerous tumor. They did another test to see if it had spread to her brain which thankfully it hadn't. Just her bronchi and right lymphnode. Scary.

Still you have to have hope right? It hadn't spread to her brain. It was only in the right side. We know what it is so we can fix it. Right? We can fix this? There is no threat of me having to live my life without my mom? I can't. This is the woman I call every day on my way to work, call again on my lunch, and call again when I go home from work. At 8pm every night like clock work she calls to tell me goodnight. I am only 28 years old. I am too young to lose my Mom. My mom is invincible.

The chemo has started. My mom doesn't have hair anymore. But she still has her smile. Her beautiful, light up a room smile. As long as she has that smile...

But, we took a lot more pictures at Thanksgiving. We laughed more. We hugged more. It is like we are trying to squish in as many memories as possible. My dad, her husband of 28 years, cried. I cried with him. What happens if this is her last Thanksgiving? This is what makes me cry even as I write this.

It's so hard to talk about. Typing this is even harder because it makes it more real. I still have not lost hope though.

I want to not think of cancer as a death sentence, but instead another trial of life that we work through and conquer. We will get through this. And if the worst happens? I had 28 years together with the greatest Mom this world has ever known. I will always remember her laugh and kind words. Her hands. I will be grateful for the 28 years I had with her and appreciate that many others have had less. I will celebrate her life and mourn her death.

BUT SHE IS NOT GONE YET.I have another day to talk to her and get her amazing advice. A friend sent me a quote that has helped me through all of this and made me remember and positivity is the most important thing to keep through all of this:

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

There is a line of great products at ChooseHope.

Book Recommendation

I just finished reading The Forgotten Garden and thought I would share my "expert" review!

Have you tried out GoodReads.com yet? What a great resource to get in touch with your inner book worm! Check it out if you haven't already!

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3407877-the-forgotten-garden">The Forgotten Garden by http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/615274.Kate_Morton">Kate Morton
My rating: http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/232549403">5 of 5 stars

This was a FANTASTIC book! I found myself waking up earlier in the morning so I could get a chapter in before I had to get ready for work. The mystery was so nicely weaved together with twists and turns to the very end. While it still had a fairytale book ending--the fairytale ending was appropriate.

Living Life to the Fullest

I woke up this morning to yarn. Everywhere. Courtesy of my lovely and adorable kitty cat Isis. I guess that she thought that she shouldn't be the only girl in the house that can't get crafty with some yarn. After circling my apartment a couple of times the ball of yarn was back in place and kitty was warn out from chasing the yarn around the house as I wound it back up. It is mornings like this that are worth living. No harm was done and I was able to create a memory.

I have set a goal for myself to try and be more positive about things. With all of the bad things that have happened lately it is necessary to make sure to keep things in focus. I think that we all spend so much time being upset about stupid things in life that we don't remember to appreciate the little joys. Life is just too short. I love my job. I love my life. I love my family. I love my KraftyKitten that has decided that playing with yarn is her new favorite past time.

I don't know if I am ready to talk about everything that has been going on in my life. I find that I like to hold things in and deal with them a bit at a time (if hoping they go away doesn't work. I have found now more than ever that doing the "Ignoring Game" doesn't work. I have been sick. I want to sleep more often then not. The boyfriend, Lovey,has mentioned that he is worried that I am starting to get depressed.

So lets rewind. One post is not enough to explain all of the things that have been going on in my little world but I guess I can start by telling you all a little bit about Danial.

Danial was my cousin but he was more like a brother to me. He was such a strong and positive person in my life. He always protected me and gave me the best advice. He was a strong link in our family chain and meant so much to me. Danny was my Hero. On September 13 our chain was broken forever. Danial was killed in the Wardack province of Afghanistan while fighting for our country. Danial died for a country that he loved and a cause that he believed was worth fighting for. Here is a link to a news article for Danny.

The day that I found out about Danny I was at work and got a text message from my Uncle that just said to call him; that it was important. That phone call changed my life. All I remember is answering the phone and him telling me that Danny was dead. The rest is a blur. I remember sobbing and telling him over and over that he was lying. That Danny couldn't be dead. He had to have been lying. How could Danial die? This wasn't the first time he had gone over there. He always came back. I was just thinking about him the day before and how I couldn't wait for him to come back stateside so I could call him. It had been so long since I had heard his voice. It was a nightmare...not reality. It was a lie.

I remember making it back to my apartment and collapsing on the floor in the kitchen. I don't know how long I sat there. Minutes? Hours? I talked to my uncle for awhile longer and then I talked to my Dad. I don't remember what we said. Lovey came home from work and picked me up off of the floor and carried me to the living room. And then he just held me. I was broken. My world shattered. Danial had promised me that he was going to come home. He always came home. It was a mistake. It wasn't him.

In the days that followed I remember clinging onto that hope. That we were going to get a call saying that it was someone else. He was in the Special Forces so he wasn't being identified correctly due to the secrecy of his job. Selfish I know. In hindsight I wouldn't wish this type of pain onto anyone...but at that time...it was all I wanted.

But it was him. I helped plan his memorial here in Oregon. I shook hands with high ranking officers. I hugged members of the Patriot Gaurd and thanked them for supporting our family. I listened to Taps and a gun salute. I cried until I thought it wasn't possible for more tears to come.

I went to Fayettevilel, North Carolina and hugged his wife and children whom I hadn't seen in years. I went to Fort Bragg and attended his formal military funeral service. I listened to stories from other soldiers that he served with. He touched so many peoples lives. Did he know how much he really meant to so many people? That people credit him for their lives...their freedom? I listened to Taps and a gun salute. And I cried until I thought it wasn't possible for more tears to come.

But they did. And they still do. Daily I think about Danial and miss him. Daily I thank him for being the man that he was and continuing to be there for me and my family as we continue to cope with losing him and dealing with another major family crisis (more to come on that later).

Danial loved life and he knew how to live it. From giving CPR to a St Bernard-Really he did, to snowboarding, traveling....loving those around him with every fiber of his being. He lived life with joy. Danny would not want us to grieve for him. He would want us to celebrate our life and live to our fullest extent every moment. To dream outloud. To follow our ambitions and challenge ourselves.

So that is the challenge that I have given myself. With everything going on I am trying so hard to remember and honor him. To challenge myself daily to live the most of life possible. To love with every fiber of my being those around me.

And when I have children? I will teach them that a Hero does not wear a cape and tights. They wear a uniform and serve for a country they love and to protect the freedom of those dearest to them. Heros fight daily to live life to the fullest and love with every fiber of their being.

Today myself, my family and a lot of others will be remembering Danny. The Pittsburg Steelers found out that Danial was a Steelers fan and they have flown his wife and kids out from Germany and are dedicating their game today to Danny and all the other soldiers that have and continue to serve our country in the Special Forces. So please join me in a Corona and some salt and vinegar chips, grill up a burger and have a great time watching the football game. Read this to find out how this dedication game here.

Also, if you think about it...send up a positive thought or prayer for our family.

We miss him. Our family chain is broken. Love you Danial.

Learning To Breathe

*Artwork by: Lisa Steinke

Your life is not measured by how many breaths you take But the moments that take your breath away.....

Its hard to remember sometimes to just enjoy the breaths that you take, the time you get to spend with your loved ones and the life that God has blessed you with. I know I feel that way at times. It is so easy to get carried away with the ways things are that I forget the way things will be. I get caught up in the shallow worries of life and forget to dig deeper, to see the blessings that I really have. It makes everything seem so shallow. All the stress that I may have in my life in incomparable to the moments that have taken my breath away. So many amazing memories that I have...each a treasure to be opened from time to time and re-live. A first kiss watching a coastline sunset with the man that I love. Watching my parents re-live 25 years of marriage at a celebration that I planned in their honor. Hugging my Gramma and thanking God that she is still alive to share in my life. These, and many other things, are the moments that take my breath away. These are the things that matter. It makes it seem all the more true that your life is not measured by the moments that you have, the breaths that you take, but instead by the moments that take your breath away. The things that make life worth living are not the every day stressed but the glimpses of 'amazing' that happen in between. That is what I have been trying to focus on lately. It has been so hard with the fact that I have yet to find that great job, heck, even a mediocre job that pays all my bills that I have found it hard to look beyond the shadows to see what is hidden. Yea, I may not have the job that I really want, I may have some bills piling up, and I may not be able to do some of the things that I want to right now but I am still blessed. I still have a boyfriend who would do anything for me, a family who are all healthy and love me unconditionally, friends who are always around, and I live in a country where I am free to enjoy the beauty of life in general. These are the organic things in my life I have been focusing on....and it works. I feel less stressed, I feel my personality beginning to go back to what it was before. In all, I feel more alive. I guess that may be why I decided to create a blog site. I have my secret thoughts that I write in my personal journal-there is something so special about physically committing my thoughts to paper-but I wanted a place that was a little quicker too. A place where my thoughts can just flow through my fingertips, to a screen for others to see. This is not a blog that I suspect I will ever share with people that I personally know. Some of the things that I feel I do not like to share with those around me. I prefer to keep my stress to myself and try to enjoy the time that I have with others without throwing them into the garbled mess of my life-after-college. Instead, this can be a place for me to think freely without the hazard of being judged for a thought. I appreciate that freedom. So, here I am. A stressed out, in debt, college graduate who loves Lisa Steinke art to the point of exhaustion, movies, dinners, walks, the beach, and many other things. The girl who is a semi-tree hugger, tye-dye hippy on the side, kind-of vegetarian. This is my life. Enjoy.